A year ago tonight Brig took me to the ER as our rainbow glimmer of joy disappeared. It took almost 8 months to rebuild my faith to try again. Then more time still to get to the joyful place we are at with this baby, but it’s still a struggle.
Today, I tried to keep busy with deep cleaning, unpacking, color coding my grocery list, grocery shopping, prepping for Thanksgiving, and basically running away. I’m good at that sometimes.
I think we all are.
As I drove to the grocery store with my giddy for one on one time 8 year old in the backseat, the sun seemed to follow my face at every turn. I was left thinking of Bub. I imagined him in the backseat, too. He loved helping me at the grocery store. I thought of his last Thanksgiving. It snowed and he followed the big kids as they dared one another to run outside barefoot. He couldn’t decide if he should laugh at the silliness or cry because his feet were freezing. It was adorable.
Then, my heart started to ache.
I pulled it together and buried myself in dinner prep and more cleaning when I got home. After bathing kids and getting them to bed, I sat by the fire as Brig looked for the elusive box of printer ink. He found it.
He also found Bub’s bag of paper keepsakes from the hospital (handprints, footprints, pictures, etc) that disappeared during the move. The movers weren’t supposed to pack it, but they did and we had no idea where. He found it in a storage box in the garage, thank heaven! When he brought it in, all the feels broke free.
We have so many wonderful and positive things going on right now to honor Bub as we approach his birthday next month. We’re making progress and are adapting to this life pretty well, but it isn’t always easy and I’m not always put together and strong. It’s important to acknowledge that this still is the worst, it still sucks, but we’re doing it.