Had a therapy session today and still felt like writing. Like I need to get the thoughts out of my head and process more. I’ve been wrestling my brick a lot lately. Wrestling with the weight of grief and unnecessary worry. The worry that makes me overthink and over analyze every. single. thing. Tony, our 17 year old son, was my first kiddo to have a tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy, and tubes put in. He’s actually been in surgery 4 times for his ears and once for his kidneys. All before Caleb died.
After Caleb died, we transferred Tony’s ENT care to the children’s hospital where Caleb became an organ donor. We’ve loved his care team there and I have faith in them, in my own sort of PTSD way. Tony almost gets annoyed with my questioning everything and explaining to every new nurse or practitioner we see that I have reasons for being so thorough and seemingly paranoid. Conversations I no longer feel awkward having because I buried my son and don’t have the energy to worry about that fact making someone else feel awkward.
This all brings us to tomorrow. Tomorrow, Tony goes in to have what will hopefully be his final ear surgery and allow the missing half of one eardrum to regrow. It’s a lot to take in. It’s the first time I’m trusting an ENT (or anyone) to cut one of my children in 7.5 years. I’ve had all the conversations with his care team. I’ve received all the reassurances. And I still can’t drop the brick. The one that sits on my chest. The one that, even though my head and heart honestly feel okay about tomorrow, lives in some fight or flight response portion of my very core that no amount of love, reassurance, or knowledge can shake.
So, to all of you who have experienced trauma, who know the brick. Who may feel too tired, awkward, alone, or whatever your reason for not sharing the load is; know this. You are not alone. When the brick reappears months or years after trauma, it’s not just you. When irrational overtakes rational, it’s not just you. And I suppose I needed that reminder myself right now.
Take care of yourself. Take care of each other.
-Jenelle
Caleb's Alive In Me 